carbon

I got nothing against people who do drugs, they can live happily ever after, with their eyes popping out but I just don’t like them as my friends.

I’ve had friends who did drugs since I was 15 and it was really sad to see them distroying themselves piece by piece. It’s sad to care about someone and see them hurt themselves. Ofc they think it’s not smth bad but it is and it made them dumber and less real everyday.

there’s nothing wrong with not being real. but that doesn’t make u imaginary either, u’r just sedated, u’r in none of these worlds.

being imaginary and living in ur imaginary world, it may sound insane but i like people who do that.

new ones

even if I get past all my problems, I’m just going to go out and get new ones

a (cat)walk to remember

I took a beautiful and quiet walk this morning. It was one of the most quiet walks I ever took. I didn’t try to change the world in my head, I just tried to accept it.

it takes a walk in the crispy air to accept whatever that you are doing, whatever love is doing and the fact that I’m running high speed while the others move slower.

it takes a walk to remember what are the things that make me happy and to feel lucky to have them.

it takes a walk to realize that I don’t need someone but I need you.

at one point, I imagined I’ll be taking my walk in London again.. or Paris. and soon in Berlin. and at some point in NYC, i’m sure. I imagined having everything that I could possibly want but not having you.

I’m not shredding you, I’m not shredding my memories of you, I’m not shredding my present either.

I keep mumbling that cheesy silly song that says “when you are finally gonna find someone and fall in love, its gonna be me”. that will happen to you too.

Virginia Woolf to Vita Sackville, 1927

Look Here Vita — throw over your man, and we’ll go to Hampton Court and dine on the river together and walk in the garden in the moonlight and come home late and have a bottle of wine and get tipsy, and I’ll tell you all the things I have in my head, millions, myriads — They won’t stir by day, only by dark on the river. Think of that. Throw over your man, I say, and come.

and found

the more lost you are, the more you have to look forward to

Oscar Wilde to Alfred Douglas, 1893

My Own Boy,
Your sonnet is quite lovely, and it is a marvel that those red-roseleaf lips of yours should be made no less for the madness of music and song than for the madness of kissing. Your slim gilt soul walks between passion and poetry. I know Hyacinthus, whom Apollo loved so madly, was you in Greek days. Why are you alone in London, and when do you go to Salisbury? Do go there to cool your hands in the grey twilight of Gothic things, and come here whenever you like. It is a lovely place and lacks only you; but go to Salisbury first.
Always, with undying love,
Yours, Oscar

protected

i fell for it 3 times in the last 12 months. i dont care that much about numbers but i do realize why some people are overprotected, they protect themselves, they are guarded and its hard for them to get hurt by falling for the wrong person.

when i realize i fell for the wrong person and i realize i’m hurt, i ask myself if its worth it doing it again, if i should become one of them.

sometimes i dont carry any shields with me so i have no protection whatsoever. my heart on a plate. my soul waiting to be discovered, no secrets, no expectations, no fears, just excitement.

maybe this time it wasnt the wrong person but it sure was someone guarded, who wouldn’t allow itself to fall in love or to feel too deep. it was the same as last summer.

I’ll get over it, its my thing. i’m never a loser cuz if it wasnt meant to be, there must be something better coming up. so i should feel excited .. just in a few days maybe. let me mourn for now, my soul needs that mourning. its like a quiet sobbing.